As I walk along the journey of life, I prefer if the path taken is a one way straight road. I just have to follow the trail, nothing much to think. If I feel tired, then I only have to take some rest, maybe a nap under a bushy tree. I might spend a minute or maybe the whole day resting. Then, when I’m ready, I can start back on the track and continue my journey. 

But life is nothing like that! The road always diverges in many other paths, without clear notification where exactly will it lead us. If we take this particular path, will it takes us to the place we wish to go? Will it be the farthest path or the shortest path to the destination? Will the path full of thorns or a velvet carpet is spread along the way? If anyhow, the storms or heavy rain happen, will there a shelter? Is there any regret of not choosing another path? 

Uncertainty forces us to make decision and firm with whatever the choice we made. 

And for me, the road diverges again; make me torn between choices….




picture from: bigour.blogspot
 

A Dream

whisper by nia

Last time I dream of my late father is on his funeral. It was him and me trying to get out from some sort of cave. We both climbing on a slippery rocks, he handed me a rope, asking me to grab it, but I fail. I fail and I fall…

17 years, not a single dream of him, makes me think that he might have forget me, or maybe he wants me to forget him.

But last night, I dream of him. He and my family visit me at the hostel, not talking at all, instead he give me the sweetest smile – a smile the I miss so much that I could be dying to see it. Then my mom tells me that they’ll come again tomorrow, after my exam.

But tomorrow come with a disappointment. Everyone is here, but my father. I try to contact him but I could not find his number in my cell phone. Then, I start to cry….

I wake up and realize it just a dream, and then I cry…..


What if

whisper by nia

I haven’t used this word for many years already. I convince myself that words only belong to those who cannot accept the facts and refuse to stand up and fight after failure. In other word, a loser.  It might be a wrong thought, but at least that is what I believe.

I am pretty aware that what we want and what we get are not always mutually exclusive. By saying, or even thinking of the words, will make me less grateful of what I have right now. I might not be a successful person yet, but a loser is by no mean a choice for me.

But somehow at this moment, there is a twist in my mind. If thinking of the words “what if” makes me a loser, then the loser is what I am. 

In this big hall full of custom, while waiting for my name to be awarded with master scroll, my eyes randomly searching for my family and finally not very far from me, I notice my brother, my mother and an empty seat next to her. Yes, an empty seat that I reserve for my father. I know, that is the most ridiculous and unacceptable thinking. But my heart starts to ponder …

WHAT IF my father is here?
Will he gives his brightest smiles?
Will he wipes his happiness tears?
Will he hugs and tell me, “Dear, I am so proud of you”
………………………………………………………………………………………

If only I can change the word “What if, my father is here” to “Hey, my father is here!”, then all the questions would be answered.

Gift

whisper by nia

We always fascinated when we are appreciated, remembered and loved by people who knows us. And it is more captivated when someone handed us a gift on our special day.

Today I learn a new thing. The precious gift in this world are to see the happiness in the eyes of the person we love. As the happy eyes shining surround you, it spreading incredible feeling.

And I'm so blessed today to get the opportunity to experienced that precious gift. Thank you!

Most merciful gratitude for owing this LIFE for another day, ya Allah..

Then. Now

whisper by nia

I might always wanted to look strong, though everyone close to me know how fragile I could be.
I might still wanted to display my smile , though there's a big hole in my broken heart.
I might wanted to sing happy song aloud, though there's tear I wipe when nobody's looking at me.
I might mourn over a particular event for months, wishing that I could mend everything and things would be just fine.
I might be stupid trying to endure all the pain as long as things get back to normal, even though normal means series of betrayal, heartache, being used and fights.

That was THEN....

NOW, I think I'm Okay..Far more okay than before, I think. At least, I'm happy because...
  • I didn't hear someone yelling some bad word to me anymore
  • I didn't have to read my inbox and be hurt anymore
  • I didn't have to do others people jobs, for the person to get the accreditation of my excellent jobs.
  • I didn't have to spend a lot for others interest, which obviously not mine
  • I didn't have to feel uncomfortable doing the things I don't want to do, or being at the place I don't want to be- pretending I enjoyed it.
  • I didn't have to be more like you and less like me.
Now, what I need is for you to disappear forever. I don't really bother anymore on your update about your new happy life, or those pictures showing your wonderful moments without me. Not anymore!

I just need you to stop asking me for help, and be furious when I'm unable to do so! Aren't that ridiculous?
"We both don't owe each other anymore." Remember your own words?

About Me

My photo
NIA is acronym of my name. And also happen to be acronym of " natural idiosyncrasy anonymous", which apparently suits me well at this moment. I'm not so good in putting the right word verbally, but slightly, (maybe slightly) better in putting it in a nice readable material. Here I am, whispering my unspoken thought... and this is a piece of my thoughts

SoOthing MelOdy


Copyright 2009 - Rainbow In The Morning

Blogspot Theme designed by: Ray Creations, Ray Hosting.