Rainbow In The Morning

Today is the first day of emancipation. A freedom from constant depression of non stop ad hoc activities,  mountains of excruciating assignment and undefined tormenting study. My 50 days of freedom started today. I have made to-do-list. A long list actually. I have full confident to accomplish it. 50 days is such a long holiday. Maybe I will get full use of it. Or maybe I just finish it by doing nothing...

No matter how hard I try, when it is not meant to be, it never will. If this is the best for everyone, why would I risking everything trying to change it? I'm giving in. Honestly I'm tired of hoping. Hoping for a miracle, I supposed? People might say that, nothing is impossible. There is still hope, don't let your faith die. An easy statement for a hard implementation. Lets just admit that I'm not strong enough to wait and be dissapointed. Or just put the blame on me. I had my chance once but I'm too blind to realize it. And now it maybe too late.

It's plain to see right? I should giving in. I must give in!

But why am I still uncertain? Undecided again..

I am standing at the center of meadow

I could feel something cold next to me

I turn to the left.

Nothing.

I turn to the right

A pure blank

I keep walking and still I feel a shivery figure following me

Like a heartbeat – fast and rhythmic 

I move faster, trying to runaway from the haunting feeling

The faster I run, the nearer it felt 

I try to scream, but my voice stuck in between desperation and perplexity

I finally exhausted - of battling against myself

I surrender and giving in - but never giving up

I let myself shaded by the unknown silhouette

Which I discover later is my own self

I’m staying at home, watching non-stop glee-athon.  So not me. So unacceptable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, there is a part in the story remind me of the old me. Someone I used to be. And I’m not proud of it. I’m pretty sure I have change. No longer living in that life which I consider fake and uncertain. It is a mistake. A mistake which taught me a lot of lesson. A good lesson.  At that time , I am just a typical teenagers trying to find her identity. Sometimes getting lost in the journey of life is okay.  It gives me opportunity to view this world in a different perspective.  But still,  it is a mistake. Anyhow, I never regret. I’m happy that I made that mistake. At least I made the mistake earlier, and I have more time to realize how immature I have been. I don’t need forever to realize how it is so wrong. Only sometimes, when I reach at the brink of my insanity, I somehow miss that moment of mistake. Then I slapped my face several times, and get back to reality. I have changed. No turning back. Not even looking.

A little voice crying

In the middle of uproarious metropolis

The echoes are heart-rending

With the power to slice every soul

The cry never stop

It continuously threatening 

 At the highest peak of the lung

 Emancipation is delusion!

 We are trapped between civilization and antiquity

 Neither comparative nor equality - an interpretation failure

There are eternal silences as a respond

People are emotionally barren

They just don’t care

“Great men thinks alike”

Though I couldn’t define what makes someone great, but I do think you are. You have great intellectual and great personality. Sometimes we share same point of view and reactions towards a particular event or incident – as if our brains are replicate to each other. I couldn’t help but to agree with you in many things. But, not this time. Not when it is against the doctrines of my life.

For me, career is not only the job that we need to do to gain money. It is more than that. It is a life.  Your life. And it is important to have satisfaction in your life. But how can you get the satisfaction when you do it halfheartedly? 

“Your job is only to teach them. Whether they understand or not, it is not your responsibilities. If you can minimize your task at school, it is better.”

I’m sorry, at this time being, I just can’t accept that suggestion. I hope I didn’t have to accept it in future either.  Peoples are always complaining how the students’ attitude had worsening, maybe because the qualities of teachers are lessening as well. 

I am an educator, and I am proud.

The other side looks greener.

Much greener than this side – the terrain where I stand.

O how I want to be there!

I should be there by now.

I am so ready to across the bridge - to be at the other side

And started to be like them – typical and ordinary

Though I know I’ll be missing this territory

But I have to keep moving.

I take my first step.

And then I doubt

Am I really that ready?

It’s been a while since I’m able to translate my messy mind into the screen. I’ve been busy, trying to adapt with new environment, which apparently away from my tradition. Escapism is what I think when I made this decision. I want to runaway from my typical routine in the same milieu that I have experience for the past 2 years.  Then I realize that it is just the same catastrophe with a modified approach.  I want to deny the possibility that I might have regret taking this decision. And like I always do, I get lost in the middle, uncertain of what I should do. 

But this time, it is even worst. I’m lost in the middle of giant seas. I only have a life jacket which keeps me floating. There is an unknown sea creature trying to chase me and I am struggling so hard to swim away from it, provided that I am NOT a good swimmer. And without knowing, I finally have reached an isolated island and then I met several people who obviously as lost as me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go. To my surprise, my cell phone still working, and there is only one person that come across my mind - my mom.

“ Mak, I’m lost. What should I do now?” 

Well, she might not have an exact answer, but her faith in me, keep me going. If she thinks I can get through it, I definitely can. And once again, I’m doing this for her. May it give me an ease to prevail over this situation.

………...........……………………..end of my whining therapy session…………………......……………………….

Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention. I hate being treated like a school student. I hate when people double standard me. I hate being prejudged. And after all, I hate “you” who have applied all those three principles towards me.

Dear Heart,

Kindly keep and shut down whatever feelings that might have growing in you, for you are too fragile to accept another disappointment. 

Thank you.

.

If I didn't pick up your call, it doesn't mean that I didn't miss your voice

If I didn't reply your message, it doesn't mean I have nothing to tell you

If I'm making excuse from meeting you, it doesn't mean that I hate your face

If I couldn't cry when seeing tears in your eyes, it doesn't mean I become heartless

If I couldn't remember all the sweet memories, doesn't mean I'm discourteous

Thanks for today..but...

I have move on. Leaving whats behind me, behind and forgotten

Please don't call my name. Don't even remember me